The Serious Work of Joy
Maybe we all want to know that our joy matters as much as our pain. That the small things are big things and important things too...
The serious work of Joy…
A few weeks ago at the zoo with my 5-year-old, we were riding the train with snacks in hand on a sunny and warm-ish day, at least for early January. He told me “When I ride the train and eat my popsicle and feel the wind on my face I feel healthy!”. First, I think he meant “happy”, but maybe he did mean healthy. Second, I loved that he named his emotions in that moment. With pure innocence and joy, not worrying about how we would be perceived (adult problems) saying what made him happy or “healthy” in that moment.
I’d like to take full credit for this and say that we’ve talked alot about “using our words” (we have) but that has been mostly in the context of expressing other emotions such as anger or frustration. Anyone with a toddler or preschooler will tell you yelling can often be the default in those moments( but really it’s not just toddlers, cough, cough..). But have I emphasized enough “using your words” to express other emotions too? Like joy? Happiness? Gratitude?
I like to think that we are a pretty affectionate family with a generous helping of hugs, kisses, “I love you’s” and “good jobs” (verbal affirmation) sprinkled throughout our days and weeks. I’ve been trying to do the hard inner work of emotional regulation, healthy expression, and communication, and cycle-breaking pretty much my whole parenting journey thus far.
I’ve often thought about the emotional labor that comes with caregiving responsibilities. The way your heart catches in your throat watching your children walk for the first time when their doodles start to look like actual things, when they lose that first tooth, ride the bicycle for the first time, or walk into school each morning.
The way you have a knot of worry in your stomach, a heavyweight in your soul when your children are hurt or injured. When another kid said something mean to them at the playground. When they lay awake coughing at night, or run a fever and you’ve done everything you can and feel like there should be more.
But have I given enough weight and importance to joy? Not fake happiness that's forced and plastered onto your face with an unconvincing smile. Definitely not “toxic positivity” where you have to find the silver lining in every circumstance no matter what and always be grateful. But the moments where you’re entirely preoccupied with the present moment and the details of it.
Children are truly the best at this, taking joy seriously. Licking the ice cream bowl down to the last drop. Never wanting to leave the playground when it’s time to go. The squeals of excitement over finding a bug, leaf, or rock like they’ve never found one before. And let’s not forget the classic dread when it’s time for bed because existing is too much fun, and there are too many wonderful things to do in a day, and sleep is boring.
Maybe it’s easier to give more weight to the more negative emotions like grief, loss, and dissapointment because, well their heavy. But maybe joy is just as serious too. Maybe we’ve been taught and conditioned that it isn’t?
Maybe all the parenting articles and books and experts have made us frantic with what we could be doing right or wrong and it’s been harder to stay present while we're critiquing our every move (maybe that’s just me).
Mary Oliver tells us to “notice” doesn’t she? “Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it”. These are the sage words of instruction for living a life. We write to notice, don’t we? I made an internal resolution of sorts here recently while I’ve been in a difficult season of transition. To really enjoy parenting. Not that I haven't up till now. But maybe better phrased to “notice more”. One day I had a three-year-old and a newborn, the next I have an 8-year-old and a 5-year-old, and I know that’s going to turn into two teenagers one day soon before I’m ready for it.
So, back to popsicles, trains, sunny days, and wind in your face. I told my 5-year-old, “I love that! Thank you for telling me. It makes me feel healthy/ happy too”.
Maybe we all want to know that our joy matters as much as our pain. That the small things are big things and important things too. I hope I’m not too “grown-up” to seek out more things that bring me joy, to make space for them, to name them, to share them with others, to join in my children’s joy too.
That as serious as other life work and responsibilities are; bills, jobs, to-do’s, doctor’s appointments, oil changes, etcetera, that joy is serious work too. *Inspired by Inciting Joy by Ross Gay