What my Instagram Algorithm knew about me before I did...

The month I finally started....a not-so-holiday post during the holidays

My Instagram Ad’s Algorithm figured something out about me before I did. Allow me to explain. For quite some time my ads on IG have looked something like this:

Braclets and hoodies that are supposed to help with anxiety. (Don’t ask me how they work- but if they worked me and the rest of the population would be okay. Spoiler: we are not. Spoiler: I/we have anxiety). What did I do instead of trying the one thing I needed to do for a long time? Drink more water, take daily walks, journal, pray, feel shame spirals, and suffer alone in my mind.. tell myself to will myself through it. But then last month I…

Overcame a lot of self-doubt/imposter syndrome

Did a vast scary thing in my career and my personal life

I went to the county fair with my kids

Traveled out of town for work

Traveled out of town for a wedding

Went to the pumpkin patch

Went to a school harvest festival

And I questioned my sanity and existence more times than I care to count.

And I finally started Therapy.

I’ve learned anxiety has many faces. It can present as a happy smiling face. As an overachiever, hyper-independent people pleaser.

I realize that this is a not-so-holiday post during the holidays… I feel like a letter in December should give reflections or gratitude for the fall, or things to anticipate during the winter holiday season. I’ve written these before and maybe I’ll write them again. But for now, I’m leaving those to someone else and I’m writing about this instead. This moment… this moment I am thinking about how the last time I truly felt at peace or something close to was about 6 months ago. While making a similar trip. In the past 3-6 months I’ve become unraveled.

The mind is a funny thing.

Something that was once so reliable can turn on you so quickly that you find yourself daily questioning your sanity. It’s like someone took the “buffer” away. Imagine driving a car, but someone took the airbags out and every time you crash you feel the full impact. That’s what life with high-functioning anxiety/severe anxiety feels like. No buffer. Full impact, all the time, feeling everything at 110%, it’s too much. Being constantly overwhelmed, raw, dysregulated, nervous system in constant fight or flight. I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying… I tell myself quietly.

I told a friend recently, it’s taking everything to do anything these days.  I feel too tired to be anything but honest about where I’m at these days, I don’t have the energy to uphold the persona of a person/woman/mom/worker who has it all together, because I don’t. I’m trying my best and finally accepting that needing additional help and support, currently therapy, is not a sign of weakness or failure. I wish I didn’t wait till everything felt like it was on fire and all my coping skills weren’t enough to put it out on my own.

But I’m here to tell you in mid-December, mere weeks away from Christmas and the start of a new year, that if you too struggle with anxiety it doesn’t negate that you’re a good mom or make you any less of a mother, creative, writer, employee, or any other role you hold in life.

Finally being told by a licensed healthcare professional some things I’ve suspected for nearly a decade ( anxiety, complex PTSD, and HSP) was extremely validating.

I’m not here to say I’m “cured” or have all the answers. But here to say you can be a ‘good’ mom and ask for help. That talking to someone to receive help isn’t a weakness.

Processing the narrative you’ve told yourself, or that others have told you and scrapping the bits that aren’t true will be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, and also one of the best things you could do.

If holiday content is more your speed though here’s some past writing I’ve done on the topic:

For your mental health: To the mom who feels fragile this holiday season

A permission slip to have the holiday you have: We’re going to have a messy house this holiday season–and I’m not sorry about it

Here’s to non-traditional celebrations: My family is celebrating Christmas in November this year

What are we writing/reading/baking/using these days? Feel free to share below :)

I hope your nervous system, mind, and body find a place of peace and safety this year. I hope you give yourself a permission slip to not do it all, to not feel guilty, and to enjoy the basics of being human again. Walking, breathing, eating, sleeping, reading, I’m trying to get back to the basics again. Cheers to finding peace and rest in the new year.